Dear Diary
by Zeiloo
Summary: You ever wondered what caused little Jim to transform into the master of crimes? This fic is made out of Jim's entries in his diary 'Sebastian', beginning 1986, when he is 10 years old.
1. Chapter 1

Fanfiction: BBC Sherlock (I own nothing)

Character: Jim Moriarty (child), later Sherlock

Pairing: Non (for now)

Summary: You never wondered why Moriarty is what he is? No one is born evil, right?

When Jim said, that he made Carl stop laughing, I wondered what his childhood could have been like (bullying and so on). I tried to imagine what could have caused Moriarty to transform into this mad psychopath XD This fanfiction is made out of Jim's entries in his diary 'Sebastian'. It begins in 1986, with Jim beeing 10 years old.

* * *

><p><strong>Dear Diary<strong>

Saturday, the 15th February 1986

Well... Hello, book?

I guess, diary.

One of father's women gave you to me. I guess she wants to brown-nose me. I wonder if she even noticed me. Normally they don't.

Know what? Dad will dump her soon anyway... Like always. I don't even know her name. Probably Mary, Sherry, Sarah.. Whatever. Father is never nice to them. He beats them**.** They cry**.** I can hear it upstairs. Women are so annoying. Weak. Stupid. Why do they always go back to Dad, when he hurts them?

Well... I don't really

* * *

><p>Tuesday, the 4th March 1986<p>

I want a sister a brother... But Dad doesn't want to get a Mum for me.

At least he gives me his credit card, so I can buy myself everything I like.

You don't possibly know a shop where you can buy mothers? Or siblings?

Just kidding, I know there are no such shops, at least no legal ones.

* * *

><p>Wednesday, the 5th March 1986<p>

I'm lonely. All the other kids at school are so stupid.

They play dull games and talk about lame things.

Why are they so dumb? Or am I too smart?

* * *

><p>Friday, the 7th March 1986<p>

I'm too clever, I guess.

Today, my teacher said I'm too quiet and introverted. I should try to play with the others.

I'm not withdrawn. I just don't want to play with idiots.

She gave me a :(-smiley in my notebook, because I told her so.

I wanted to thrust my pencil in her eye. Daddy would probably would have done so.

* * *

><p>Monday, the 10th March 1986<p>

It's nice to have someone to talk to. Even if it's just a book that can't answer.

* * *

><p>Friday, the 21th March 1986<p>

I will call you **Sebastian**. That's a cool name.

* * *

><p>Saturday, the 22th March 1986<p>

Maybe you wonder why I named you Sebastian.

Long names are great. Unique names are great. They show that the person thought about it, before naming you. Well, I think every name is better than _Jim_.

You know... Mother died after my birth and she didn't have a name for me. At least that's what Dad said. That's why he had to take me in. And give me a name. Well, I don't think he thought a lot about it. Maybe he heard some mother shouting down the street "JIIIIIIIM" for her child after he left the hospital with me and that's how he got it. I don't know. I can't ask him. He doesn't have time.

* * *

><p>Sunday, the 23th March 1986<p>

Today I saw Dad hitting one of his women. I never saw that before, just heard it.

She cried and he beat her up even more. They were in his office, he stood there, she laid on the floor. She bled. Her nose and her mouth. And when she didn't stop screaming, Dad smashed the wine bottle over her head. It looked so easy. He just did it, like switching on the light or making toast. (Not like he ever made toast for me... I have to do it myself, since the Nanny left... I don't know the reason why.)

She was silent.

Dad came in my room this night. I don't know the last time he did. Maybe he never did before...

He knew, that I saw.

He sat next to me on my bed and stroked my hair with a smile. I smiled back. I wasn't scared at all.

I asked him why he killed her. He said, because that's what people do.

I had to laugh and he did, too. It was nice. I hope he kills another woman and then comes to my room again to laugh with me about it. That would be nice, don't you think, Sebastian?

* * *

><p>Sunday, the 6th April, 1986<p>

Spending time with Daddy is nice.

He is in his office and works and I can sit there with him, as long as I'm silent.

I just sit in a corner with my book and observe him and his guests. They are all afraid of him. No one dares to look him in the eyes. Most of them don't even lift their heads, when he calls them in.

It's great.

He is like a king. And logically, I'm the _prince_.

Well, Seb, it's not like he suddenly reads bedtime stories to me or goes to the amusement park with me. But.. He allows me to be with him. When he lowers his voice to threaten one of those cowards, I have to smirk behind my book.

Daddy is scary. I want to be like him.

* * *

><p>Wednesday, 9th April 1986<p>

"Better feared than loved." Nice quote, don't you think, Seb?

I've read it in one of Daddy's books. Those books are awesome.

Daddy is smart.

But I think I'm smarter.

Being smart _and _scary, that will be great.

* * *

><p>Saturday, the 12th April 1986<p>

I'm almost done with the folders in my Daddy's desk.

He has done so many bad things, Sebastian. It's very intriguing.

I will do far worse things. I will do the things better then him. I'm more intelligent. Many of his crimes are so dull and predictable... I can do it better.

If all those people fear and respect someone as unimaginative as my Dad...

They will fear me more than him. They will respect me even more, Sebastian.

No one will laugh at me again.

* * *

><p>Wednesday, the 16th April 1986<p>

Dad told me a bit about his money laundering.

If you ask me, I think it's rather unimaginative, but I guess it's enough to fool stupid people.

* * *

><p>Sunday, the 20th April 1986<p>

Gambling, Cases of fraud, blackmailing, kidnapping, violence, murder, harassment, attempted murder, murder, slashing, slaughter, strangle, throttle, murdering... Did I mention the murdering?

Blood and thunder, Seb!

* * *

><p>Wednesday, the 30th April 1986<p>

Sebby, I'm lonely. It's good to have you.. But well, you're a book and can't answer.

* * *

><p>Thursday, 15th May 1986<p>

Today I learnt a lesson. No, Seb, No stupid lesson in school.

Those teachers are incapable of teaching me anything useful.

No, Sebastian, I learnt to shut up.

I told father today, that it was stupid to kill this new girl in our house.

He hit me.

I liked it more, when he ignored me. I'm angry.

It's better to keep quite.

* * *

><p>Friday, the 16th May 1986<p>

If you want to say something, let others say it. If you want to do something, let others do it. That's safer. And it is so easy, Sebastian. Just get someone stupid and talk to him, until he does what you want. It is so easy. So unbelievable _easy_.

Manipulating is so much fun.

Now I know what to do with those idiot-schoolmates.

* * *

><p>Tuesday, the 20th May 1986<p>

I think I made an ally today, Sebastian. Timmy.

No, don't worry, no need to get _jealous_.

He is just a stupid accumulation of muscles. But that's the point! A big gorilla without much of a brain. I will train him to obey me. You know, like a dog. He will be very useful. It's not very difficult.

* * *

><p>Monday, the 26th May 1986<p>

Rodney's (you know the friend of Timmy) father is scientist.

It's good to have useful allys.

* * *

><p>Wednesday, the 28th May 1986<p>

Timmy's mother is stupid.

I copied Godfrey's behaviour. (You know, he is a classmate and all the parents and teachers just love him)

It was so much fun.

I like acting. And this woman believed me entirely. I really wonder whether all women are so utterly stupid.

* * *

><p>Saturday, the 31th May 1986<p>

I have to correct myself, Seb:

Timmy's father is as stupid as his wife. So not only women, but men too.

* * *

><p>Monday, the 2nd June 1986<p>

Rodney's father is cool. He works in a **morgue!**

That's so great.

When I'm at Rodney's place and his father comes home, he always talks about work at the dining table. I'm the only one listening.

It's very useful. For later.

* * *

><p>Friday, the 6th June 1986<p>

I wish father would talk with me, like Rodney's dad.

But father seems busy lately.

* * *

><p>Sunday, the 8th June 1986<p>

Father is nervous. He doesn't leave the house any more, Seb.

He doesn't see guests any more. Not even women.

Something is wrong...

* * *

><p>Monday, the 9th June 1986<p>

There are police cars parking before our house.

They had found out something.

* * *

><p>That was the first chapter, I hope you liked it. :)<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you very much for the comments!

Sorry for the long wait, but my beta-reader didn't answer my mails anymore..

So this chapter isn't beta-read, if you find any mistakes, please tell me, I'm german and my english isn't the best ^^'

So, have fun while reading!

* * *

><p>Wednesday, the 10th June 1986<p>

Have you ever seen a man die, Sebastian?

I bet you haven't.

Today he shot a police officer.

The man broke down, gasping and throwing up blood. It sounded like the waste-pipe in the school-toilettes after flushing. Funny.

Then father ran into his room, grabbed everything in his reach and then stumbled to the car without looking back.

I'm sure he would have left me, if I didn't run after him, with my rucksack in one hand, jumping into the back of the car.

He would have left me there with this school-toilette-imitator on the floor.

_He would have **left** me._

Not because he wanted to leave me on purpose.

No.

He _forgot _me.

He forgot me, Sebastian.

Like someone may forget his wallet or like forgetting to switch off the light, when leaving the room.

What am I to him, Seb? Am I anything at all?

Do I even exist in his world anymore?

I don't want to be ignored.

I don't want to be _ignored_, Sebastian.

If I were to die now, would anyone even notice it, beside you?

* * *

><p>Friday, the 12th June 1986<p>

This mouldy hotel room stinks...

Father is phoning angrily with a lot of people at the moment.

He is pacing through the room like a nervous tiger.

I asked him what happened. He shouted at me to "shut the fuck up".

* * *

><p>Saturday, the 13th June 1986<p>

Some men came with luggage moments ago.

Father's leaving- I talk to you later!

* * *

><p>Thursday, the 26th June1986<p>

I hate father. I **hate **him!

Why is he so stupid? Why do I have to suffer because of his lack of brain?

I don't want to move, Sebastian. I just made allys here.

Why is father so dumb? So stupid to raise suspicion?

Now I sit here at the airport with one rucksack. One rucksack where all my life must fit in?

I hate him. He ruins all my plans.

* * *

><p>Friday, the 6th September 1986<p>

Oh GOD!

I finally found you!

And here I thought, I lost you due the fly!

God, Sebastian, it's so good to have you back! Never ever do that again!

You're my only friend here in this awful country! In the whole world.

I HATE it here. Sussex! Brighton! It's horrible!

The house is too small! The neighbours are too friendly! My father is too scared! He just hides in this new house and there are no women to beat up any more, no guests to insult or threaten! We're alone in this small, stupid house in the middle of nowhere!

He is a coward! And so stupid! Why did I ever think he was smart?

And the school! God, I hate it there! This fuckin' Carl!

Damn this stupid sod!

I came in the classroom and before I even knew what was going on he already trusted my textbooks into the trash and shoved me into a bunch of squealing girls! They screamed and jerked back, avoiding me, like I had some kind of disease!

The bell... I have to open the door, father doesn't leave his rooms.

* * *

><p>Monday, 9th September 1986<p>

I hate Carl so much.

I'm almost too ashamed to tell you. And you're my best friend!

You wanna know, right, Seb?

He stuck my head in the toilet today.

In the fucking toilet.

'Cause I'm the newbie. The green Irish idiot.

'Cause he doesn't like my accent. And he doesn't like my hair.

I told it father. You want to know, what he said?

"I don't have time for this now, John."

He called me John. _John. __**JOHN.**_

_**HE DOESN'T EVEN REMEMBER MY FUCKING NAME!**_

My fucking three letter-name! The god forsaken name he gave me!

He doesn't even recognize my existence anymore!

* * *

><p>Sunday, the 14th September 1986<p>

Everyone is laughing at me at school.

* * *

><p>Monday, the 15th September 1986<p>

Carl laughs the loudest.

* * *

><p>Tuesday, the 16th September 1986<p>

Well, Brighton is not so bad, in the end, I think. The Sea is nice.

The pier, too. I wander around a lot, what should I do at home? Father doesn't care if I'm there or not, anyway.

It's nice, but lonely. No one is there to go with me to the beach, or to the museums or the library. Or anywhere else.

* * *

><p>Wednesday, the 17th September 1986<p>

Carl told everyone that I'm a bastard without parents.

When I explained that every child logically has biological parents and even idiots like him should know, he pushed me into the thorn bushes on the playground.

Why did father not come to the parent-teacher conference? I hate him. I hate Carl.

* * *

><p>Friday, the 19th September 1986<p>

Sometimes I run away from the school grounds to escape them.

I've found an abandoned warehouse. It looks like it will collapse every second.

I hide there sometimes. No one comes to get me back.

* * *

><p>Friday, the 26th September 1986<p>

He tripped me up.

I fell on my face.

I managed to escape to the toilet, before crying.

Sebastian, I hate school.

* * *

><p>Tuesday, the 7th October 1986<p>

My teacher wanted to talk to me today. She saw my black eye.

I didn't tell her about Carl. I don't need her useless help.

Yes, you heard it right, I don't need her help.

I don't need _anyone's_ help.

They are never there, when I really need them. When they lock me into the girl toilets, when they beat me up behind the climbing frame, when they throw my rucksack into the ditch, when they steal my money or my homework. When they hold me down and cut my 'ugly irish-hair' with the school scissors and accidentally hit my ears or my nose with it. When two of them grab my arms and Carl has free access to kick and punch me as he pleases.

Anyhow, what would happen, if I told her?

Some useless conversation with Carl, maybe with his parents, my father would not show up anyway. And after that even more bullying for me. More threatening, so I would never dare to talk to anyone about it ever again.

No, Sebastian, I'm not so stupid to do this.

Besides, what would those stupid adults do to punish Carl for what he is doing to me?

Writing a thousand times 'Don't bully Jim' on the blackboard?

Oh no. That won't do.

I will punish him myself.

* * *

><p>Tuesday, the 21th October 1986<p>

_Happy birthday._

No one remembered.

I don't need anyone.

I'm fed up with humans. They're good for nothing.

* * *

><p>Wednesday, the 22th October 1986<p>

Carl said, my mother was a bitch and my father is a wanker.

I told him, his father drinks and likes to beat him up. Which is (unlike his statement) the truth.

He locked me up in the broom closet.

But that day I found out something quiet interesting:

Carl looked confused for some seconds, when I told him about his father. He looked uncertain, even a little uneasy.

He was _scared_, Sebastian. He was scared of me, because I knew something about him. A secret. And he didn't know how I found out. And he didn't want me to tell anyone.

I like this feeling. _Being terrifying._ I felt a little powerful.

Just for some seconds. Before his face turned red and his fists clenched.

Powerful, Sebastian. My mind is **my** power. Now, I just need someone to protect it. Someone like Timmy back then. But no one wants to be friend with me, 'cause they're all scared of big Boss Carl.

I have to eliminate him myself first. When he is out of the way... Then, Seb.

* * *

><p>Thursday, the 30th October 1986<p>

I like observing people. Studying them.

Most of them are so obvious. So predictable.

So easy to read. Even this sod, Carl.

It's direful to know so much, but being unable to use it. Or to tell anyone. No one wants to know anyway. No one wants to talk with me.

I'm always alone at school. You're the only one with me. I'll take you everywhere. Your my friend...

They're calling me 'creep' now. Everyone.

Jimmy the creep.

Someday, when I'm older and have more possibilities, I will give them the creeps.

* * *

><p>Friday, the 7th November 1986<p>

It's snowing, Seb.

I wish I had someone to play with.

No one wants to play with me.

Sitting behind the window and watching the snow falling.

* * *

><p>Sunday, the 9th November 1986<p>

I barely see father any more.

Sometimes he walks in the kitchen, when I'm eating.

He looks awful. He is pale, he drinks, he stinks like hell, he twitches at every sound and looks around like a scared squirrel.

Pathetic.

* * *

><p>Wednesday, the 26th November 1986<p>

I have to do shopping, to cook, to wash, to clean up... Father is a moving jar of fear and panic. If I talk to him, he will explode like a Vulcan. He is annoying.

* * *

><p>Thursday, the 25th December 1986<p>

Father is useless.

But at least I can use his money.

When I'm a little older, Seb, we will leave him, okay?

But for now I think it's the best, that he ignores me and hides in his room.

I can do what I want and as long as I'm not in his way in the morning, when he shuffles in the kitchen, everything is perfectly fine.

I don't want him to see me.

I don't want him to wish me a merry Christmas.

Or to decorate a Christmas tree with me. Or to eat with me in the evening, like all the other children do with their parents.


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you very much for all the comments! I hope you will enjoy the new chapter, too. It's not beta-read... I'm searching for a new beta-reader ^^'

* * *

><p>Sunday, the 28th December 1986<p>

Why am I so alone?

Yes. Sebastian, you're right. You're here.

Everything will change, soon. I will make it change. I don't believe in miracles, I will do it myself.

* * *

><p>Monday, the 5th January 1987<p>

Something funny happened today in school.

Yes, in school! Very unusual, yeah, but whatever-

During the break I ran back into the school building (Carl chased after me again) and I wanted to hide in one of the classrooms. The door wasn't looked, so I ran inside and then! (That was just so great, Seb):

I saw Mrs Stuart with Mr Brown snogging the life out of each other!

You want to know why this is good?

Well, Seb, 'cause Mrs Stuart is married and has two children and Mr Brown (who is by the way 15 years older), our dear schoolmaster is married, too. And I saw them snogging. I saw them cheating on their partners.

You should have seen their faces, as I burst in their dirty, little love-scene! Priceless!

And what they said! What they said, Sebastian! God, I'm still laughing my ass off!

I will write it down for you, 'kay?

Mrs Stuart almost jumped out of the window as she and Mr Brown turned towards the door, where I stood and she saw me over his shoulder.

"Jimpfh!" she screamed in Browns mouth and jerked away from him, immediately trying to rearrange her white blouse. Brown flew around and stared at me in horror, face red and eyes wide and pure terror replacing the arousal from seconds ago. They stared at me for a good couple of seconds; I could literally see their brains catching fire from freaking out inwardly.

Then Brown and her exchanged glances and they approached me, smiling (or trying the best they could manage). Mr Brown cleared his throat and while Stuart fiddled with her hair, he rubbed his chin and his smile widened. They were so nervous; I really needed all my will-power for not laughing at them and their foolish behaviour.

"Hey, Jim... ehm... what're you doing... here?" Brownie began with the most smoothly voice he could effort. I closed the door behind me and smiled innocently at them.

_I had to act like an 11 year old._ _Well, at least a little bit..._

"You kissed." I replied sillily and tipped my head to the site.

Mrs Stuart bit her lip and Brown, getting pale sighed wearily.

"You kiii~ssed!"

_I had so much fun teasing them, Seb!_

"Jim- You.. Listen, okay, Jimmy? This... was..." my teacher stuttered and fumbled with her blouse again.

"You're married to other partners and you still kissed. That's bad, isn't it?" I asked innocently and I couldn't hide my glee any more.

"Wha- But-but... Jim!" Stuart squeaked and threw a desperate glance to Mr Brown.

He stepped forward and leaned down to me with a faked laugh and petted my shoulder. "You won't tell anyone, okay, Jim?"

_Until now I just thought it was fun, but then he said something he better hadn't._

"That's adult business, kay? Nothing for kids. Why don't you just forget what you saw and go play with the other kids?"

**Adult business,** Sebastian.

_**Adult business.**__ Oh really? Well, the__n I better start acting like one of those detestable, back-__stabbing, untrustworthy __**adults, too.**_

"When they know what you did, they will be very upset, right?" I asked, gritting my teeth. Well, they thought I was a stupid kid? One of those idiots on the playground? Someone who didn't understand what was going on, hm?

_Oh, Seb, I showed them that I understood exactly what was going on._

"When I tell them, you will be in trou~ble." I giggled as I saw the horror in their eyes. "When the other teachers know, you will get fii~ired."

"Jim!" "You can't!"

They protested and I laughed a little. It was such a great feeling. So unbelievable great.

They didn't ignore me. I had all their attention. All their horror and fear and rage. And they were so helpless; they could do _nothing_, 'because I'm only an **innocent** child.

_Threatening people is the best._

Well, Seb, now I get every book I want, can go to the library at every time, I get every information about the other pupils and the other teachers, free access to the computer room, I got my own keys for the school. And of course top marks, without working for it. Oh! And money. And they do what I ask them to. If I want something I can't get because of my age, they will get it for me.

They wince whenever I cross their sight.

God, it's so funny. The laughing bubbles up my throat and I have to giggle every time I just think about those idiots!

* * *

><p>Thursday the 15th January 1987<p>

I can get everything I want, Sebastian.

Everything.

I only need to threaten people!

I only need to know their dirty secrets.

When I'm older I can threaten everyone. As a child, I have to be cautious who I blackmail with what.

* * *

><p>Monday, the 9th February 1987<p>

Seb, I'm not totally sure, but I think father takes drugs.

He smiled yesterday, when he entered the kitchen and saw me eating my pancakes. He even laughed, when he saw the snow outside the window. He asked himself aloud what month it was.

* * *

><p>Sunday, the 1st March 1987<p>

Sorry, that I don't have time for you at the moment, Seb.

But I have to read a lot. Not for school, for myself. For my future... for all the things I will do when I have the chance.

Reading is great. It increases my imagination. And I like the computers in the school. It's fascinating how they work.

* * *

><p>Wednesday, the 18th March 1987<p>

Chemistry.

Physics.

Biology.

Criminal psychology.

Behavioural psychology.

I need to know more to control everything around me.

* * *

><p>Friday, the 20th March 1987<p>

Mr Brown is such a profitable source! He supplies me with all kinds of chemicals!

It's so much fun to test, to analyse, to experiment!

I can produce _poison_, Sebastian. Real poison that can **kill** people.

I tried it on the neighbour's dog. The one, that always barks too early in the morning.

It succeeded.

* * *

><p>Saturday, 25th April 1987<p>

The books are good company.

But sometimes I'm lonely all the same, Seb.

Today I wanted to talk with George. He is one of my classmates. His father is police-officer. It would be beneficial to be friends with him.

Carl saw us talking and he beat up George. Well, me, too... Whatever, that's routine.

Of course he doesn't want to speak with me anymore. Coward.

And fuckin' Carl.

Who does he think he is?

Deciding whether I'm allowed to have friends or not?

I will decide, whether he is allowed to live or not.

* * *

><p>Saturday, the 9th May 1987<p>

My plans for the future help me survive school.

It got a bit better after Stuarts and Browns accident, 'cause I have keys now and most of the time I can escape Carl and his gang. But not every time.

* * *

><p>Monday, the 11th May 1987<p>

I found Carl's records today. Life can be lucky sometimes.

He has Xerotic eczema. Found his kryptonite.

Seb, time to _celebrate_!

* * *

><p>Saturday, the 16th May 1987<p>

They called me gay today.

I never thought about that before.

Well, Sebastian, do you know?

I think women are brainless jars, filled with pathetic screaming and crying and they were only good for getting my father to laugh with me back then.

Does this make me gay?

_I don't think so._

* * *

><p>Wednesday, the 20th May 1987<p>

They are all calling me gay now.

Jim, the creepy gay geek.

They are so childish.

I loathe Carl. Just because this gorilla learned a new word he had to insult me with it?

And what is his problem anyway? Is there something wrong with being different?

Pah! Who the hell even wants to be like everyone else?

Does he think he is perfect? Just because he is all tall and handsome and good in swimming? What's so great about bullying me, someone who is a year younger and 20 centimetres smaller? Is he proud of his behaviour?

Seb, why are all humans so detestable?

Isn't there a single person for me in this world?

Someone like me?

Someone who understands me?

Yeah, thank you Seb, **someone **who isn't a _book._

_Nagh, don't be offended, you know what I mean._

* * *

><p>Thursday, the 11th June 1987<p>

Sorry, it took so long, my fingers needed some time to heal after getting trampled down from him.

Summer holidays started yesterday, Seb.

I love holidays. I don't have to go to school and I won't see Carl for two months. Two months break from bullying, mobbing or whatever the pedagogues call it. I would call it hell.

Whatever. I have a lot of books from the school library, my own computer (thank you, Mr Brown) and time for my studies and experiments.

* * *

><p>Sunday, the 14th June 1987<p>

I recognized the man that visited today. I let him in, 'cause (you know) father doesn't leave his room.

Father wasn't happy to see him. Maybe I shouldn't have let him in...

He's still here. Right now, I can hear them arguing downstairs. I would like to know about what... But it would be more than reckless to eavesdrop dangerous people.

Yeah, he is dangerous, Seb and I'm not stupid enough to risk my life just to hear him ripping apart father.

They are shouting...

There is noise… It's loud. Something broke... I don't know what. Sounded like something big... Maybe a lamp?

* * *

><p>Monday, the 15th June 1987<p>

He left in the night. I'm afraid of going downstairs.

It's too quiet.

* * *

><p>Sunday, the 21th June 1987<p>

Father didn't come out since the visitor left.

* * *

><p>Hope you enjoyed this chapter :3<p> 


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